Open Heart Surgery
Do you feel nothing sometimes? No remorse, no love, no fear, no trust. Zero emotions. You’re walking as though you’re numb? I am too.Most of my problems arise from the need to be in control. I want to control what I think, what I feel, what I eat. I just realized that this need to control arises from fear. I am scared to die, I am scared of being duped, I am scared of falling in love because I am scared of being heart.
What this means is that I have secluded myself. I love up to this level and when I start to feel uncomfortable I run away, I only talk to certain people who I can trust. Even those I question my motives. I am scared of applying for jobs since I will be rejected. I am scared.
Yesterday I was asking God whether it was possible for me to have open heart (and head) surgery. Would He be willing to purge my beliefs and fears and make me new again. Would He teach me how to be vulnerable again. Would He be willing to teach me how to enjoy the small and big things I life. Would He be willing to teach me how to let go and let God.
Honestly, I am so tired. I am tired of being in control. I want Him to take charge. I want to open my eyes in the morning and believe that God is in charge and leave it at that. This problem of worrying, holding on and over analysing is suffocating me. I want the fire at the pit of my stomach to die. I want to dance like no one is watching, sing until my voice goes hoarse, sleep like a baby….