Enough with the geek life

Confessions of a future faker

I have a confession to make. I am future faker. When I meet a guy I rush ahead and start organizing the future andforget everything that is happening right there and then. When the happy ending I had not anticipated does not materialize, I beat myself up, I try to manipulate the guy to fit in my garden of Eden and when all fails I run, I disappear , I go into hiding. I’m too chicken to face the truth.

According to Baggage Reclaim website a future faker is someone who paints a perfect picture in the future in order to gain something right now.

There are various forms of future faking. Every new relationship is ushered in with chemistry, passion, fear and insecurities a like. Depending on the reason to get into a new relationship someone may come into the relationship with very high intensity or pressure and rush through the motions. In my case I am determined to attain a certain goal whether it’s long term or short term so I tell myself all these fabulous stories to get me to my target even if it means neglecting my intuition or ignoring the red flags. In some cases, a person will hang onto a dead relationship hoping it will turn out well in the end. Lastly, there is a level of future faking when you’re an addict who makes people to invest in you emotionally and financially with a promise of being a better person.

The worst bit about future faking is that the future never materializes. You always seem to be chasing a vapour and disappointment increases by day. When the future you had envisioned does not come or the red lights you had ignored come to haunt you feel useless, an idiot, a retard and worst of all you cry. There are times you go and chase the guy and demand for him to fulfill his promises only for him to turn around and tell you that you got it all wrong and you were living in a bubble.

You know you’ve been trapped in a future fakers arms when you hear phrases of having babies, moving in, going on a safari when you’ve just met. The moment you fill like rolling your eyes when your partner says something is the best time to have them commit to it or time to speak up. A future faker is mostly emotionally unavailable or a coward deep inside and by pointing out their promises it helps them come back to reality. When your partner does not address the urgent, recurrent or glaring issues right now and only embraces the rosy future be scared. You’ll slowly internalize all these things and when you get back to earth and realize he disappeared without fulfilling his promises, it will be a long day in hell.

There are various reasons why people fake a future. There are cases where the person you meet means well. The guy likes a girl who is from a different ‘class’ or someone he thinks he’ll never have in this lifetime. He’ll do all he can to have this girl even if it means bending the truth and making extra ordinary assumptions and promises. When this girl falls for him he realizes that he can’t deliver whatever he promised. So he will go with flow for sometime and lie some more. Then he realizes he’s trapped himself but since he’s scared to hurt his girl with word, he disappears or finds a way to break up with him. There are the habitual players who string you along with a promise of marriage, a baby, a mansion or a visit to the coast without a care in the world. Only for Mr. Perfect to disappear when he’s done eating his pie.

When you’ve been caught in a future fakers embrace, my heart goes out to you. The endless questions and the feeling of inadequacy is overwhelming. There comes a time when you have to rise up and accept the fact that you’re only human. You’re bound to make a poor judgment in character, be carried away by word and ignore the actions and the lack of action there of. It’s not easy

Getting over a future faker is very hard. Cleaning the closet is always crazy. You spend so much time blaming yourself for chasing away a perfect guy because you believe he would have made it happen that you forget your needs and values. This is the time analyse whether you have questionable habits or vices. Rushing through relationships can be tempting but it has a price. Overlooking someone’s glaring vices for the sake of short term gratification is a common problem. But when you’re sick and tired of being a door mat and realize you deserve better it’s better to take time and make friends. So is enjoying each and every moment in a relationship without following a checklist of do’s and donts.

When your ex shows up with a promise of being a better or changed person. Be very cautious. This is the biggest con. Before getting back with your ex deal with the cause of your break up and analyse any what your ex has done recently that has led to the change.

When you realize you’re stuck with a future faker, reward and punish accordingly. Encourage accountability in all they say. Let them commit to something and follow up. When they intentionally fail to walk the talk punish them so that they realize there are consequences for bad behaviour.

Share your stories with your friends and family. When they laugh or go suddenly quiet, ask what they think. By surrounding yourself with people who care for you you’re able to understand what it means to follow through with promises, you are confident that you’re not an island which usually makes someone cling onto the wrong relationship and also helps you compare experiences and make proper judgment.

You cannot avoid future fakers. To some level we are future fakers. We make promises we now very well we will not fulfill. We promise to take the medicine or change our diets and forget all about it, we make dates and never show up, we have dated someone as a rebound, we have hang onto someone for money. So don’t be so fast to judge. The best thing to do is follow your instinct and know when to walk away when the promises have piled up and you feel disrespected.


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6 thoughts on “Confessions of a future faker

  1. I confess , i am a reformed future faker , out with the old in , with the new. Awesome post , straight from the heart.

  2. Amouna on said:

    I fell in love for the first time for a future faker. I wish I knew then what I know now, it would have been different and would have my precious heart 18 months of emotional hell.

    The sad truth is the feeling of being used and disrespected. The feeling that it was all lies and no substance, especially when you thought you knew the person…

  3. I’m a future faker, too… I’ve only just realized it, and it’s pretty scary. I’ve never been the victim of my faking… I’ve been the one to promise everything and then back out when actual action is required, and I’ve done it to many, many people. Too many. Only recently did I find out that this was a thing (thanks, baggagereclaim) and that it’s what I do. Now that my attention is drawn to it… I can’t help but think and feel awful for all the people I’ve wronged. It’s a little difficult. On the bright side, I am in therapy and working on myself, so there’s that.

    But, some advice… If the potential faker is flighty, it isn’t necessarily because they’re a faker. They might just be scared. A faker (like myself) will not become disappointed that the end-game is not coming to fruition. For a faker like myself, there is no end-game. Everything is vague, in the air, and completely unaccounted for. Promises are easy. Words are easy. Watch what the person actually does. If they’re noncommittal to virtually everything, or everything is in the future at an undisclosed time, red flag.

    Whenever I was forced to make a yes or no decision, the answer was always “I don’t know if I’m ready.” And in some cases, that’s actually valid. But more often than not, it was to simply not be pinned down to be accountable. For all my promises, I was like vapor when it came to actual substance.

    Um… As for a reason, I can’t really offer one, other than perhaps I never received much trust in my childhood, and the greatest gift someone ever gave to me was to say that they trusted me… So when that opportunity came again to gain someone’s trust, I would leap in head first to gain it, promising anything. Once I had it… I didn’t really care much any more. Next.

    In any case… I hope someone finds this useful. (And again, I’m working on myself! It actually hurts to see how much pain my patterns have caused.)

    • Have you reached out at all? The best thing you could possibly do, speaking as someone who was royally future faked, is to call me, and let me hear the remorse in your voice as you apologize, including some specific ways you’re aware of, which caused harm with your ruse. That is what everyone would want first and foremost because if you’re anything like my ex, and you are if this post is any indication, and if I was your victim, the amount of healing that has yet to even come close in any way, I swear if this happened for me, I think I’d go to the next church service I could find I’d be so grateful, but my mn ex would never have the type of strength and fearlessness it would take, but I sure hope for the ones you personally hurt, you look forward to doing whatever you can to help them get the closure we all as human beings desperately need to move forward. Please do as you said!

  4. Nicole on said:

    It’s been at least 10 months since my future faker walked away from me and left me with no apologies. After he disrespected and took advantage of me by pressuring me into compromising my values and I finally confronted him about it he broke up with me by blaming me for causing him pain and hurt. He actually got mad at me because I asked him an important question and had his family member threaten me. I have not tried to contact him since then but once I realized he had a new girlfriend right after leaving me I knew that something was wrong with this guy. In the initial stages of him pursuing me, I kept rejecting him by telling him that I only wanted to remain friends first before committing to a relationship. Well he agreed at first but later he once again blindsided me constantly showering me with attention, gifts, and promises. At this point my I became trapped into his fantasy. Next thing I knew that I was doing things for this guy that I would never do for any guy that I liked or start dating. I was so upset at myself for allowing this guy to trap me when in the beginning I had no intention of falling for him. I emphasized what I expected from him and he of course crossed my boundaries when he realized I was vulnerable. I blame myself because I knew I should have walked away from this guy when he ignored my request and crossed my boundaries but I guess I was to naive. Now the problem is that since he has walked away from me, I was immediately relieved but then the doubts and questioning of what did I do wrong to deserve such disrespect and no apology from this guy who acknowledged that I was so kind and loving towards him during his pursuit of me. I feel horrible but since I now know why this guy ended up dumping me like I was trash I am very anger at how he could keep getting away with this while taking advantage of other women that he will seek to pursue. I feel bad for those women and wish they don’t have to experience what I endured. The only way I can be helpful is by sharing my story with others that have never experienced this type of abuse. I do understand that I can’t be too angry or judge because like the article/author said that at some point in all human lives have we promised to do things but failed to do so.

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